Rating: PG-13 (because of cursing & fighting lol)
Summary: Carole Lombard & Lana Turner duke it out over Clark Gable.
Categories: Im not really sure :/
Other comments: I love all the people portrayed in this story and it is in no way meant to be demeaning to any of them. Its just a bit of fun.
The infamous galas of the glamorous Miss Marlene Dietrich are known throughout the Hollywood Hills as being the birthplace of many a delicious scandal. Previous galas have resulted in the beginning of more than just a beautiful friendship for Miss Barbara Stanwyck and Mr. Robert Taylor and a particularly nasty quarrel between Miss Joan Crawford and then husband Mr. Douglas Fairbanks Jr. Miss Dietrich’s most recent soirée did not disappoint, it helped bring out the Hedda Hopper in all of us.
Thrilling guests such as Mr. & Mrs. Clark Gable, Miss Bette Davis, the recently widowed Miss Norma Shearer, Mr. William Powell, and countless others attended Miss Dietrich’s gala on Saturday evening. Miss Carole Lombard, a close friend of Miss Dietrich’s, was exhausted from a hard day at MGM making sure that her husband, Mr. Clark Gable, didn’t get to friendly with costar Lana Turner. Miss Lombard reportedly had a few choice words with Miss Turner in between takes of a rather steamy love scene between Mr. Gable & Miss Turner (which is in fact another story in itself). Despite Miss Lombard’s rather trying day, she was in top form and dressed to the nines, looking gorgeous in a formfitting white evening gown designed for her by her close friend and designer to the stars, Adrian.
“The party was well under way and every thing was going along wonderfully,” spilled Miss Dolores Del Rio, “and then Lana arrived”. Miss Turned arrived with Mr. Spencer Tracy, making an entrance that even Miss Norma Shearer would be envious of.
“Everyone was rather appalled that Lana would show up, especially because of what happened on the lot earlier that day. Lana was just asking for trouble,” dished Miss Claudette Colbert. According to many a reliable source, Miss Turner had not even been invited to the party but Mr. Tracy brought her as his date so Miss Dietrich let it pass.
The party silenced as Miss Turner made her way towards the bar to get a drink with Mr. Tracy. All eyes were on Miss Turner and her rather low cut gown when Miss Lombard states, rather loudly, “Well look who it is, Ol’ Torpedo Tits.”
With that, all of Miss Dietrich’s guests had a good laugh. Miss Turner stalked off in a huff while Mr. Tracy sat down with his drink and good friend Mr. Robert Taylor, both still laughing.
Miss Loretta Young, a very close friend of Miss Turners, went to comfort her. “Poor Lana, that certainly was a terribly unchristian thing of Carole to say. You would think she would have more tact than that.” Miss Hedda Hopper, fellow gossip maven, was standing nearby and when she overheard Miss Young make these rather uncouth comments regarding Miss Lombard, and naturally felt the urge to notify Miss Lombard.
Miss Lombard, who isn’t a fan of Miss Young because of a certain “one year retirement”, did not let the comments bother her and she went back to enjoying the party.
According to Miss Claudette Colbert the gala went back to normal and everyone was having a simply marvelous time, when Miss Turner suddenly lost her temper. “Carole & I were just sitting around talking with Marlene when Lana just runs up screeching about how Carole was a jealous bitch”
Miss Lombard, known for her rather extensive vocabulary, wasn’t going to take this lying down. She retaliated as any self respecting woman would do, while Miss Dietrich’s party guests became witnesses to a fierce battle of the wits.
“Well then Lana goes and takes a sock at Carole and hits her right in the eye!” dished Miss Marion Davies.
Miss Young, who was appalled by this hostility, figured that this was a good a time as any to reprimand Miss Turner. “Lana! Stop this blasphemous nonsense!!! Don’t be a heathen!” she cried, trying to save her dear friend.
Miss Dietrich promptly responded with “Oh shut up Loretta or I’ll choke you with that rosary you’ve got shoved up your ass.” With that Miss Young became unusually silent and stalked off.
Meanwhile, Miss Lombard had had quite enough of Miss Turner’s vulgar behavior and decided she could one up Miss Turner any day, and did just that. Miss Lombard punched her straight on the nose. With that the battling intensified and the two were raging all across the soirée grounds. Tables were overturned and many a bottle was smashed when the two went flailing into the bar, which left Miss Tallulah Bankhead with a rather disappointed look on her face. As Miss Turner got up, she staggered toward Miss Dietrich’s swimming pool when Miss Lombard saw the light. Staggering up from the midst of booze and broken glass, she rushed toward Miss Turner and grabbed her by the hair. Miss Lombard whipped her around, slapped her with the skill of a Miss Joan Crawford, and then proceeded to dramatically throw a flailing Miss Turner into the swimming pool.
When Miss Turner finally did make her way out of the pool, she was quite discouraged to find that her dress was ruined and her hair was in quite a state. Miss Turner grabbed Mr. Tracy and stalked off. Miss Lombard, who by now was as calm as a fish, called to Miss Turner, “Oh Lana dahling, it seems like you have forgotten something.” Miss Turner whirled around, anger flashing in her eyes as Miss Lombard hurled a martini right in Miss Turners face. Miss Turner ran off in quite a huff and Miss Lombard smiled at the guests claiming “its all in a days work”